Annie...

So, today would be my sister’s 8^th birthday. I don’t know why, but over the course of the past couple of months, I’ve found myself wondering on more and more occasions what our family would look life if she were alive. I would love so much to have that little someone to play and giggle with, to love. Things could be a lot different...or a lot the same. We’ll never know. It’s never the loss of her person, it’s always the loss of her potential, what might have been.

When I was 15, my mom was pregnant and went into labor prematurely. My sister was born in the “gray” week or two of my mom’s pregnancy. If she’d been born a couple weeks earlier, she would have died right away, a couple weeks later and she would have been perfectly fine. As it was, she was basically on life support for a month before my parents decided to take it off. I won’t get into all the details now, but I’ve written a lot about this sister and maybe will post one of my pieces another time.

sweet surrender...

Sometimes, it feels so incredibly good to just let things go, to let life happen, to not care what other people think and be selfish for once. I look like a real weirdo with my big toe all wrapped up, wearing my cheap flip flops to work with my dress clothes. It’s hard for me to not feel like I look like an idiot when I’m consciously thinking about the state of my feet. But if I force my mind to move on to other things and don’t dwell on it, I’m just fine. Driving home today, I wasn’t too worried about bumping it or anything...maybe it’s just one of those thing where I have to get used to it. Besides, it’s only for two weeks and I know they’ll go by in a flash. This caring about what other people think really bothers me... In so many ways, I don’t care what my co-workers or others think of me (sometimes to the point of my being reckless), but I hate the idea of looking “dumb” or “disabled” or what have you in front of them. Why does this bother me so much? Maybe because it leads to questions I’d rather not answer or makes me feel inferior or something. At least I’m not too much of a snoot...

update monday...

I feel bad that it’s been so long since I’ve posted...hopefully I haven’t alienated any readers, though I don’t know if I have any regulars. Ah well. Right now I’m listening to Panic! At The Disco and feeling slightly mesmerized by the throbbing in my right big toe. A lot has gone down in the past week or so...not life altering or anything, really, but just busy.

Seeing Fall Out Boy was pretty sweet and lead to a couple of thoughts: a)I felt sort of old, given all the teenie boppers there, but should I feel bad for liking their music? I am younger than most of the band’s members, but is their demographic really that much younger than me? I don’t know, but this leads to thought b. b)I was highly jealous of those teenie boppers. Why? Because, growing up in the middle of nowhere with little money and almost no city friends meant that I never got to go to such awesome concerts when I was in high school. I’m so curious what I would be like if I had had those opportunities. On the other hand, maybe it’s just the genre of music...I wasn’t totally into the pop scene, nor what passed as rock in the late 90s. I am thankful for the amazing concert experiences I have had (Sonshine, etc...). Thought c)Something I’m slightly embarrassed to admit...after the FOB concert, I developed an immediate crush on the entire band, something I hadn’t come into the concert with. I seriously don’t think I’ve had a crush like that since high school. I spent most of my work week being unproductive and reading more about the band. I’m pathetic, I know. Lucky for me, a more “grown up” scenario was on tap for later in the week.

Easter weekend flew by in a blur. Great party at my cousin Adam’s. Has anybody heard of the drinking card game Presidents and Assholes? I’m beginning to thing it must be more of a Plainview thing, but it had to have come from somewhere. I’m very glad MA is done student teaching...it will be nice to see her around here more. Apparently we’re definitely living together next year, so hopefully apartment hunting and moving and all that will go smoothly. I sort of wish she’d be willing to live at my current residence, but I understand her concerns. I’m excited to live with her...it should definitely be a different dynamic.

Had dinner with Robert last Monday...he hasn’t nailed anything down for after graduation and he’s starting to get nervous. I felt terrible that I didn’t have anything to say to him. You would think I would since I was in the exact same situation a year ago, but no. Maybe just praying about it is the best option...I don’t know. Saw Ice Age II on Tuesday. It was pretty cute. I really appreciate the different humor they throw into those things.

So, to (sort of) knock me out of my FOB obsession, Jenny and I had tickets to the sold out Franz Ferdinand/Death Cab concert Thursday. It rained and both she and I were running late, but the timing worked out so well, I couldn’t have asked for a better night. The demographic this time was clearly more my age group, so I didn’t feel as out of place and everyone there seemed really laid back and unpretentious. FF was really energetic, well everyone except for the bass player...he just sort of stood around and did his thing while the others went crazy. They definitely made me want to get up and dance the whole time. Death Cab for Cutie was better than I thought they would be. While I’d listened to their album a couple of times and thought it was okay, I left the concert excited to go home and listen to it again. “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” is my favorite track off of Plans.

I spent the weekend at my parents, not that I saw much of them. My sister and I went to see “American Dreamz” on Friday. I don’t know whether to think it’s an incredibly dumb movie or sort of clever... Saturday was my brother’s prom, so my mom was running about with that. My sister and I rented “Prime,” which I would recommend, I suppose. Yesterday was kind of an odd day: church, lunch, solitaire, Anchorman, taco dip (is amazing), cards, driving to grandma’s, riding home with my mom talking about nothing (it bothers me that she complains about him in front of me), painting toenails, my brother being absolutely bonkers (he got some kind of flu or something and was seriously out of his mind and saying the craziest things...it was sooooo funny, but I shouldn’t have laughed at him), and NO NEW GREY’S!! Seriously, it’s been like a month, you’d think they could indulge us with a new episode.

Today I was at the doctor’s...in the actual Mayo building as a patient for the first time since I was like six...kind of weird, but not completely unpleasant. The sucky thing is that I have to go back next Tuesday. They said it would be better if I didn’t run any errands today, so I just drove back to Minneapolis...hopefully there’ll be the perfect opportunity for a Target run later this week. I got back here at like 11:30...I really should have gone to work, but I thought Laura was going to practice on me today and I really wanted to veg out, so I did, nodding off in front of the tv and watching Jeopardy! (my favorite show ever, which I never get to watch). Not that I really had anything to do today, but I feel like I totally wasted the day. But, it is only 6:30 and the sun is up...I could still write or something if I wanted to. Maybe I will...

bonus...

As this will probably be my last post before Easter, Happy Easter to any readers out there. I'll be enjoying Fall Out Boy and AAR and eating some home cooked food...woohoo!!

corporate life and things...

I don't like intruding on people, which is why I really hate doing cold calls for things like company profiles...we run a bunch in each issue of the magazine and I'm the one in charge of finding dealers willing to give me interviews for them. The past couple weeks, I've been working from a list of 25 I HAVE to get profiles from for this panel thing my company will put on in the fall. And all of the contacts are, of course, the presidents and CEOs of the (mostly multi-million dollar) companies. Like they have time for some dumb chick who calls them out of the blue and wants to interview them. And that is only the first hurdle. It's especially hard now because it's the "busy season" where everyone and their dog wants to buy a new powersport vehicle...must be a combination of the nice weather and those sweet tax refunds. It's been my experience that CEOs and such are generally cranky. I'm sure that in their personal lives and such, they're great people, but when they're talking to me, they've always got something better to be doing, and, really, I don't blame them. So I want to get out of their hair as quickly as possible, while still getting all the information I need. And there's always the ones who want to read it before it's printed. This opens up whole cans of worms that I'd rather just not deal with, so I'd prefer that we didn't allow this, but, because a) we want to be factually accurate, and b) because we rely on their good graces to maintain our place at or near the top of our market, we do. I've actually had one or two people do a good job of this and actually only point out the factual errors and provide the correct information. Today, though, I probably had the worst case ever: one of these CEOs called me back and was like, you can't print this. Hello...we've practically gone to the presses. Suffice it to say I was upset, but managed to keep my head on straight enough to direct him to my editor, who should have to take the crap like this instead of me beause I wouldn'tve sent it to the guy in the first place if I were in charge. The whole thing makes me feel yucky inside.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm glad I'm one of the little people in a corporation, but all of this just reaffirms that I still don't like corporate America. It turns people into un-people. And everything is so politicked and people only want their best face forward and all that crap. We all sound dumb sometimes. It's all relative, though, really. Some of those guys need to get over themselves. Show love, let things go, don't rush through life...

bummer and other exclamations....

I had written up a nice post about my Friday evening antics when my computer decided to lose it's internet connection and not get it back before I had to take off again. Suffice it to say it was an interesting night. I love that we have bars within walking distance.

On a more serious note:
How do you convince a good friend that she's not supposed to be with the guy she's with? Does she have to come to this conclusion herself? How do you convince her that she deserves so much better; that there really is that someone better out there?

One of my good friends has been in relationship that's been drama from the beginning and this is two and a half years later. Granted, it's not all drama, but there's enough. Saturday, my friend came to the conclusion that her boy is an asshole. I've never really liked him. I've wanted to, for her sake, but to be truly honest, I never really have. He doesn't take any interest in the things or people she loves. Everything they do is on his terms, it seems. These are things that I've thought from the beginning of their relationship and they've only strengthened over time. He's given her a promise ring and she's recently told me she wants to be married within a year. In a way, she loves him, but is confused, and, I know on some level, she knows he doesn't treat her as well as she should be treated.

On Saturday, I tried to explain to her some of the things I've thought and remind her of examples of times he's treated her like dirt. Have I waited to long to do this? It's been two and a half years and now, all of a sudden, I'm coming out with it. She's sort of rebellious...hearing me and others say he really is a scumbag only makes her see the good things in him and want to be with him. By the time we were done talking Saturday, she missed him. But if all of her friends and family are saying the same thing: that he's not the right one, can we be wrong? Maybe. See, the thing is, as much as I might not like this guy, I don't want to dismiss her happiness. I'm too wishy-washy...they would never like me in Washington. At any rate, I'm concerned about her and only want the best for her. Any suggestions for supporting her or helping/making her break it off?

things to be mad about, things to be happy about, things to anticipate...

Taxes are like the dumbest thing ever. Well, maybe not the taxes themselves, but trying to file is a pain in the butt and I'm not going to pay what would surely be the entirety of my return to get a professional to do it for me. Ugh!!!

Okay, enough venting...

I'm so happy it's not daylight savings time anymore (is that even correct? I don't keep track of this time change crap...). I love the sun and I love warmth and I especially love the summer. I can tell it brightens me up for it to be so nice. Not only is the sun up later now, but, for once, it's not cloudy...I think we may finally have turned the corner into spring. It even smells like spring outside and that is one of my favorite smells. And the birds were singing to me this morning when I woke up. Now, if only I could get a summer vacation coming up the pipe...

I've got a doctor's appointment on Wednesday and I don't know what he'll say this time. I'm sort of hoping this will be the last one. He's a nice guy and all, but I just want to be done with this and move on with my life. (though it seems like this is something that could potentially give me problems for the rest of my life...something I'm hoping to get cleared up Wednesday.) He gave me these exercises to do, mainly trying to stand on my tiptoes, and I haven't been doing them. It's always like that with me...I never want to make the time and then I look back and wish I had. But I don't think I should be too badly off...I tried my tip toes the other day and it seemed to work, if only for a little bit. So I don't know...we'll just have to see what goes down. I'm not looking forward to leaving the house at 6:30...