circle of friends

So, my best drinking buddy is moving several states away and I'm taking applications for a new one. Is anyone interested?

Seriously, nothing makes you feel the need to expand your social circle more than a huge vacancy in it opening up. Although this friend and I do other things together besides party like rockstars and there are a select few others that I (very) occasionally paint the town red with, there really isn't anything like having a friend who you can rely on on a consistent basis to go out and have a good time with.

I love the rest of my friends and admire their takes on life, but being poor students (and the more conservative Christian types), aren't inclined to go out as often as I desire to, which is just such a downer sometimes. Granted, we usually have a good time when we do something together (maybe 1-2 times a month).

I don't know...sometimes I wonder how I managed to get some of my inclinations when so many of my friends are not the same way and then I wonder how I ended up with so many friends unlike me.

Anyway, I'm sad my friend is moving. The Cities won't be the same without her here.

unmotivation...

I'm a great procrastinator. Ask my English 112 professor from college. So when a)there's not really a hard and fast deadline on something I should be working on and b)both of my bosses are out of town, I'm more than likely to be doing what I'm doing right now, which is screwing around. And you know, I think that's okay with me, even though I know it's a horrible way to be. Since nothings like ohmygodihavetogetthisdonerightnoworimaydie and with no one looking over my shoulder, I'm particularly unmotivated to really get going with any of my little projects because there's always more time, of course. I keep telling myself this up until the moment I leave the day before they return and proceed to panic for the rest of the night and the next morning about my lack of progress. Luckily, instead of this being an almost every week occurance, I've been able to curb it to a maybe once every couple of months kind of thing, which works for me.

Tonight is the second anniversary of my car accident and I kind of feel like celebrating it somehow, but I felt the same way last year and ended up doing absolutely squat...perhaps I'll work some more on my room.

anchoring

Yes, I'm a big fat liar...I never write nearly as often as I say I will. And you know, that's okay with me. When I was younger, I used to write in notebooks as stress relief to keep myself from thinking I was so messed up I needed to see a professional. I figure this (blogging) is taking the place of that, since I don't write in my notebook much anymore and my life is equally stressful. So, when I feel like I need to let off some steam, I'll add an entry.

Steam for the day: my friend Liz

I'm sure she's steam for many days, as she's a tad different and sometimes I find it difficult being her friend, but I appreciate her companionship and, occassionally, her quirkiness.

Liz had been in a relationship for three years with a guy who was a total a-hole, whose only (but not really) redeeming quality was he didn't physically abuse her. She knew she should leave the relationship she was in, but couldn't bring herself to actually break up with the guy. One day, she realized she had feelings for one of her co-workers. This, of all things, gave her the gumption to finally break it off with the first guy, which was great. However, she proceeded to jump into a relationship with her co-worker, Bob, about a year ago. Nevermind that she had just gotten out of a long-term relationship, didn't really know what she wanted to do with her life and could use some time to figure things out.

Now, Bob is definitely an improvement over the last guy. He's kind, perceptive, asks questions, is interested in the things she is and wants to get to know her friends and participate in activities with her. He's also not the most stable or ambitious person, which isn't necessarily bad, but with my friend being the same way it doesn't make for the greatest combination.

So today's steam comes from a phone call I got earlier from Liz lamenting a dream she had last night about the old guy (who had a job and lived on his own), making her wonder about her current boyfriend's shortcomings (doesn't have a job, has trouble enjoying/holding a job he does get and lives with parents). What do I tell her? Well, of course guy A was a douche, that should be obvious and I can't believe she would forget that. What I didn't tell her was that I really still feel like she can do better than guy B. I don't get his personality and she knows and understands that and it is completely beside the point, but I really think she'd be better off with someone who has more direction in life...or she needs to find some herself. To be honest, I'm afraid for them otherwise. They want to get married and have babies right away and I just don't know how they'll stay afloat.

omg...

I'll be the first to admit I don't handle crises well. I think I get it from my mother.

I was at a company bbq when my boss was like, you gotta see this, you gotta see this. He turned on the TV to channel 5 and we learned the 35W bridge had collapsed. My stomach immediately dropped and I searched around for my bag, desperate to get to my phone. I live with five roommates I adore only six blocks from the University Ave. exit, which was on the north side of the break. If I had any food in me, I probably would have vomited. I called one, two, three, four roommates, leaving messages when my calls weren't dropped, before one of them picked up. Three of them were alright. It took longer to get through to the other two, but they were safe as well. I called my parents eve though I knew they would be out for chores, wanting to let them know I was alright before they saw anything on the news. I don't know if they would remember, but before they started doing construction on the bridge, I would drive over it twice a day to get to and from work. I'd since re-routed to avoid the painful crawl past downtown, but it is just yucky to think about. I got several other calls and texts last night from people who were concerned and wanted to make sure I was okay. Sometimes it's nice to know how loved we are.

Today, instead of taking 8th to Hennepin, I took 4th St. because I had to see if I could see anything. To look south while waiting at a stop light and to see that void there made my heart hurt. I can't even believe so many people are hurt, could have died, must have had horrible nightmares last night. There are still cars in the river they can't find. What a horrible way to die...

I'm so glad everyone I'm close to is safe and my heart goes out to everyone who is affected by this tragedy. I hope it brings our city closer together. Peace.

huh...

Can someone tell me why I'm stuck at work for another hour and both of my bosses have left? That's neither here nor there, so...

Friday night, a handful of friends and I trekked out to the suburbs to go to a nightclub that plays country music for one of their birthdays. It had been kind of a crazy week with the holiday and, even though I had a half-day on Friday, I had not taken a nap, so those things might have hurt me later in the night. But it started off well enough. I liked what I was wearing and was comfortable, despite the freaking humidity. We arrived at the club at the same time as another part of our contingent and went inside. Beer pulls were 50 cents for five more minutes, so I decided to grab two. We found a table, took in our various alcoholic beverages and watched the dancers, who always surprise me with their talent, whirling and swirling around the floor for slow songs and tearing it up with fierce line dances I will never attempt to learn during faster paced songs. Another contingent of friends arrived and we got our dance on. The male contingent arrived and it was a good time and all was going well. The friend with the birthday left, along with some others, leaving five of us. I'd had a couple Long Islands in addition to the earlier beer. When a friend of another friend's boyfriend brought my roommate a second free drink, I think that's what put me over the edge.

I don't know what got into me. I'm not a big crier, period, let alone do I ever become overcome with emotion in public, but my eyes started welling up and I just couldn't stop myself (believe me, I tried). I decided I had to move to the bathroom to do this, so I did, where I sat for, I bet, half an hour at least just bawling my eyes out and trying to reason with myself that this should stop, but just so frustrated and fed up with guys and my lack of virtually ever getting any attention from them and my not having a boyfriend and all that crap. After awhile, I wished someone would come looking for me, but I didn't quite want to go that far. I walked back to our table and decided I had to text my sister, who I felt was absolutely the only person I would be able to relate to. Unfortunately, I knew she would have crappy service at best over the weekend, so I wouldn't actually get to talk to her. I started to crack up again, but luckily I was able to pull myself together. After awhile I headed back out to dance a bit more before close and that seemed to shake everything out of my system. When we were in the car, I told my roommate what had happened and she was a little consolatory, but she mostly brushed off what I was saying. I don't think she knows what to do with me, which is fair because even I don't know what to do with me. I do not like feeling that way, so jealous. I don't want those guys anyway, I'm trying to brainwash myself into thinking.

I'm back!!!

Not that anybody really necessarily noticed that I was gone as I didn't have a massive backlog of posts before my computer up and died. After that (not so) sad incident and a couple months of saving, I'm back and (hopefully) posting regularly. Cheers and happy reading!

some things I haven't told anyone...

-I only act out toward one of my roommates because I'm frustrated that she's never around anymore. The first year we lived together, we spent a fair amount of time together. Since she's had a boyfriend, she almost never stays at our place or does anything with the rest of us.

-I don't like having life talks with one of my best friends because I never feel like I can get a word in edgewise and I almost always feel like I'm being judged. The thing is, I know I judge her alot, too, but I hope it doesn't come across in my talks with her.

-I'm highly jealous of another of my best friends, because even when she's in a long term committed relationship, guys flock to her...not just any guys, but good-looking, quality guys.

-I am mad at myself and possibly my parents for my being so intensely socially awkward. I don't know what went wrong where, but I'm certain something did.

-Sometimes I have a fleeting feeling that the right guy is literally just around the corner and, relationship-wise, things could fall together any day. It's one of the most delicious feelings. Sometimes I wish there were a placeholder until that time comes, but there hasn't been for more than six months.