I wanna leave a legacy. How will they remember me?

Thank you, Nicole Nordeman...you put into words something I've thought about a lot over the course of my life. And ultimately, the legacy we're earning in heaven is far more important that any status we could gain on Earth, but...

Last night I watched the season premier of American Idol, which focused on the great, if less than talented in the amateur singing category, city of Minneapolis. I love this place! However, the show, with all it’s incredibly horrible auditions and the very rare good ones, made me wonder what is up with our obsession with fame?!? Why do we have it? It seems to be a carnal kind of thing, in a way. I imagine some of the antics and really bad singers found on last night’s show could be found during any country’s Idol search. But it’s not just Idol-centric…it’s everywhere: people want their 15 minutes of fame, but more than that, they want to leave a legacy.

I confess that I’ve been subject to the same instincts: I certainly don’t want to live an ordinary life and I definitely would love for my name to be well known after I leave this Earth. I may not be as, ummm, desperate to get that notice right now, but it is something I want and I think part of everyone wants. Perhaps, after a certain point in life, it doesn’t matter any more. My parents, for example, are perfectly happy doing what they do, which is quietly work the farm and eek out a living doing it and spend an occasional evening out with friends. But I can’t help but to think that when they were younger, they had big dreams, too. So maybe it’s a youth-oriented aspiration, although I think there are people who hold on to it, such as a Donald Trump or a Bill Gates or any number of other people who are not only famous, but continue to do big things.

Actually, of late, I’ve felt very much that I’m at a crossroads in my life between the well, ordinary and the very ordinary. I don’t know, at this point, if I’m capable of doing something really big to gain extraordinariness. And that attention-wanting part of myself is screaming to not give in to the very ordinary, which probably looks very much like what my parents and much of middle America have. I want something just a little bit more, but don’t quite know how to get it. That’s actually not true, I kind of do, or at least have an idea. Journalism, which is my field, is the key. After a lot of time and effort, some journalists, even local ones, are afforded a certain amount of faux celebrity-ness. So there’s that. And also, just having one’s name on hundreds of articles that will be around for the ages, even if nobody knows or cares, in some library somewhere, is ridiculously gratifying. I have articles, but not hundreds of them and certainly not anything ground breaking, save, perhaps, a piece coming out in February…we’ll see what kind of reaction we get from the industry. The point is, I haven’t reached faux celebrity status yet and I want it. The question is: do I have the balls to go out and earn it?

some thoughts for a Monday...

Oh my gosh I'm an incompetent person. Why, you might ask? I just AM! So it seems. There's nothing I can do that truly makes me shine and stand out above all others. I used to be able to do this when I was young. Why not any more? It really makes me feel like I've lost something. Part of it might be that in some (albeit not all) aspects of my life, I've completely lost motivation and don't really want to be doing what I'm doing anymore, but feel compelled by social norms to do so. I feel very, very torn between two things.

A)The git 'er done mentality. It's kind of in the pioneer spirit in the way of you just have to deal, so slog through until the good times come. This probably comes from my not very moneyed, farming roots, where there were always chores to do every day and there was nothing you could do about it, you just had to do them. The great part was that if you went outside and fed the cows and milked them and whatnot for a couple hours, you could go inside and goof around or read or watch tv or play games until you had to go to bed. I think the git 'er done mentality has worked for me in the past because there's always been a light at the end of the tunnel, whether it be in the form of a relief, a reprieve, a reward or a new phase of life.

B)The ME mentality. I don't remember always being selfish and with the vast majority of small things, I don't think I'm selfish almost at all. But it's the bigger things of late that I'm kind of like "Why can't I just do what I want to do?" If I want to take a day off, I should not have to feel guilty about it. This mentality manifests itself in my daily life...while things are in order, I spend a lot of my time lazing around watching TV and movies. Not that that's what I would do all the time if I could do whatever I want, but it's one of the easiest things to do.

What I really want to do is let go of all the constraints of life and do what I want to do...experience the world, find what I love, help people. But I keep getting tripped up and held back by those constraints and expectations and responsibilities: bills, student loans, insurance, career considerations (which I don't even know if I care about for the most part anymore, but a little part of me, at least, still does care) and other people's feelings and expectations. Even if I didn't have any financial considerations, I don't know if I would feel "free." Right now, I don't see a desirable solution. I can't have all me, there has to be some compromise and right now, I hate doing that.

um, adulthood?

So, I've unofficially decided that the worst part about being an independent adult (hahahahaha...I guess that's what I am, but I so don't feel like it) is having to be my own advocate. No one else is watching out for me. I have to make those scary phone calls to insurance companies and doctor's offices to straighten out their mistakes myself. I have to KNOW I have enough money in the bank to pay the month's bills or find a way to get more when I don't. I have to understand how my car works and ways I can make it happy so I don't have to pay a mechanic to tell me I've roasted the thing because I didn't change the oil often enough. I hate doing those things, mostly because I feel like I either don't have enough knowledge about things or can't stand up for myself properly and make a good argument or that I have to rely on other people. I really don't like the idea of my long-term fate being in the hands of others. Not that I dislike being an independent adult...it definitely has its perks. There are just some things I could do without.