some thoughts for a Monday...
Oh my gosh I'm an incompetent person. Why, you might ask? I just AM! So it seems. There's nothing I can do that truly makes me shine and stand out above all others. I used to be able to do this when I was young. Why not any more? It really makes me feel like I've lost something. Part of it might be that in some (albeit not all) aspects of my life, I've completely lost motivation and don't really want to be doing what I'm doing anymore, but feel compelled by social norms to do so. I feel very, very torn between two things.
A)The git 'er done mentality. It's kind of in the pioneer spirit in the way of you just have to deal, so slog through until the good times come. This probably comes from my not very moneyed, farming roots, where there were always chores to do every day and there was nothing you could do about it, you just had to do them. The great part was that if you went outside and fed the cows and milked them and whatnot for a couple hours, you could go inside and goof around or read or watch tv or play games until you had to go to bed. I think the git 'er done mentality has worked for me in the past because there's always been a light at the end of the tunnel, whether it be in the form of a relief, a reprieve, a reward or a new phase of life.
B)The ME mentality. I don't remember always being selfish and with the vast majority of small things, I don't think I'm selfish almost at all. But it's the bigger things of late that I'm kind of like "Why can't I just do what I want to do?" If I want to take a day off, I should not have to feel guilty about it. This mentality manifests itself in my daily life...while things are in order, I spend a lot of my time lazing around watching TV and movies. Not that that's what I would do all the time if I could do whatever I want, but it's one of the easiest things to do.
What I really want to do is let go of all the constraints of life and do what I want to do...experience the world, find what I love, help people. But I keep getting tripped up and held back by those constraints and expectations and responsibilities: bills, student loans, insurance, career considerations (which I don't even know if I care about for the most part anymore, but a little part of me, at least, still does care) and other people's feelings and expectations. Even if I didn't have any financial considerations, I don't know if I would feel "free." Right now, I don't see a desirable solution. I can't have all me, there has to be some compromise and right now, I hate doing that.
A)The git 'er done mentality. It's kind of in the pioneer spirit in the way of you just have to deal, so slog through until the good times come. This probably comes from my not very moneyed, farming roots, where there were always chores to do every day and there was nothing you could do about it, you just had to do them. The great part was that if you went outside and fed the cows and milked them and whatnot for a couple hours, you could go inside and goof around or read or watch tv or play games until you had to go to bed. I think the git 'er done mentality has worked for me in the past because there's always been a light at the end of the tunnel, whether it be in the form of a relief, a reprieve, a reward or a new phase of life.
B)The ME mentality. I don't remember always being selfish and with the vast majority of small things, I don't think I'm selfish almost at all. But it's the bigger things of late that I'm kind of like "Why can't I just do what I want to do?" If I want to take a day off, I should not have to feel guilty about it. This mentality manifests itself in my daily life...while things are in order, I spend a lot of my time lazing around watching TV and movies. Not that that's what I would do all the time if I could do whatever I want, but it's one of the easiest things to do.
What I really want to do is let go of all the constraints of life and do what I want to do...experience the world, find what I love, help people. But I keep getting tripped up and held back by those constraints and expectations and responsibilities: bills, student loans, insurance, career considerations (which I don't even know if I care about for the most part anymore, but a little part of me, at least, still does care) and other people's feelings and expectations. Even if I didn't have any financial considerations, I don't know if I would feel "free." Right now, I don't see a desirable solution. I can't have all me, there has to be some compromise and right now, I hate doing that.
posted by basily22 @ 4:41 PM
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