epiphany

I'd seen an episode or two of Grey's Anatomy last season and was intrigued, but since it was on at 9 o'clock on a Sunday night, I decided it wasn't worth watching over getting some sleep. I'm a huge fan of starting my work week off right be getting a decent amount of sleep Sunday night. This season, however, I've decided it's just so good that it's okay if I don't go to bed until after 10. I really enjoy the show and find all (or at least most) of the characters endearing.
On to last night's episode: (and no, this won't be a synopsis of the entire episode, I am working my way to a point, I promise). In trying to explain to George what made her sleep with him, Meredith said something to the effect of "I was sad. And you were here. And you were saying all these perfect things." And that she didn't know she didn't actually want to be with him until she realized she didn't (which, for those of you who don't watch, was when they were in the middle of doing it).
Realization: I am Meredith Grey. Not in all respects and I'd like to think I'm not quite as messed up as she is, but, at least in this respect, we think alike. I am sad. About being single. Maybe not overtly, but it's there anyway, even if it hides better at times than others. And he (whoever that might be-this seems to happen to me over and over) is there. And he's saying all these perfect things-being supportive and encouraging, things that sound/are sincere and melt your heart. All these things make me want to be with him, but it's not right; it's not supposed to happen. You can feel that it's wrong, but you want it so badly, but for all the wrong reasons. I don't want to make a mistake like Meredith did, but what's the solution?

sigh...

So many things seem to be going on right now, even though there's really not that much going on. I've been thinking a lot in the past week and it's been good and bad. Good to stretch those mental muscles, but bad in that I get so worked up about some stuff that it's ridiculous. I'm trying to figure out what I want in life. This is something that I've only just started, but that's okay, I want to do a good job of it so that when I get some ideas, I know it really is what I really want.

I've never really known what I would do after my first "real" job. I think part of me thought I would just stay there forever or something. Don't get me wrong, there are certain aspects of my job I really like, but I KNOW I can't stay there forever. Even before my accident, I struggled a bit with feelings of discontent and now they're still there and becoming more persistent.

There are so many things wrapped up in this: God, my life, my finances, my personality, my talents, my gut feelings, my background, my loyalties, my career, my comfort levels. It's hard to untangle one from another a lot of times. I'm certain I'll go on and on about this in the weeks and months to come, but I've started to develop a plan.

First of all, I don't think I'm being paid what I'm worth. I interned in 2005, had my accident and was home and came back in mid-January 2006, hired full time with benefits (although I still-still!-have to wait the customary 90 days before I'm eligible) and they're paying me at the same rate. And I had to ask them for more than they offered in the first place because I knew it wouldn't be enough and they conceded. I honestly only barely make enough money to pay the bills now. Thank God I don't have a credit card. I cannot afford to pay my car or health insurance, so my parents have been exceedingly generous to do so for the time being, which is saying a lot about how much they love me because they can barely make ends meet themselves (this situation will soon change in that my company will be taking over the health insurance and I have to take on the car insurance). While one could argue the benefits constitute my "raise" I think that's sorry. Them not paying me more makes me feel like they don't value the work I do.

So, the first part of the plan is to ask for a raise (or, really, to become financially stable). Thankfully, my direct supervisor is one of the nicest people I know and over the past six months he's gone to bat for me more times that I'll ever be able to repay him. That he's so nice and has done so much for me already makes me feel awkward about asking him for anything in the first place. This weekend I plan on strategizing how to go about this. My supervisor won't be a problem, I don't think, but HR and/or my publisher could be tricky. If the funds don't exist, there's not exactly anything they can do. But really, they didn't have to pay me for the last three months of the year, so I know they've got some profits hanging around. I think the one thing I'm worried about is timing...will I be shooting myself in the foot for not just waiting one more month? However, I think it would be funny if they would be willing to give me a raise at 90 days, but not when they hired me full time.

If I can get a raise, that's great, first part of the plan will be a success and I will, hopefully, be financially stable for the duration of my stay there. If my attempt at garnering a raise fails, then it's on to plan number 2 (geez, I feel like I should make a chart or something) for financial stability, which is to find a weekend job. Maybe I could wait tables or something? Really, though, I'd much, much, much prefer to work at Barnes and Noble, or better yet, nanny (although good luck finding a position where I'd only be needed weekends). I hope it doesn't come to this, but I really do need the money, despite however much I like doing absolutely nothing on the weekends. Also, I will freak out about the job hunt...it is sooo stressful!

All this makes me sad. I'm so torn between frustration that I'm only barely making it, paycheck to paycheck, even with my best efforts to not spend any money I shouldn't; and feeling like I'm being so incredibly selfish because there are millions, probably billions, of people who are much, much worse off than I am and that if I would just try harder and not spending any unnecessary money, I might be just a bit better off.

Anyway, it's getting late and this post is much longer than I thought it would be. Happy weekend!!

test post

this is a test to see which date my posts from home are being posted under.

on grandma...

I love my grandma. She is probably the sweetest person I know. Once a month or so she sends me a letter. Those letters are about the only personal mail I get. It's amazing. And it's always exciting to come home and see something from her waiting for me to read. I love things that brighten my day. She always asks how things are going at work or with my roommates and she chats about her Senior Citizens meetings and the weather and the last time she saw my mom. I got a letter from her today and this time she informs me my brother wants to use her car for prom. I couldn't not laugh out loud. She's so cute. And she always manages to end by saying that there's never anything more to write. When I stop to think about it, it's sad to not see her often. She usually doesn't visit my parents on weekends and that's about the only time I every go home. But that's how it goes, I suppose. One of the great things about her is that she's so funny, but she almost never means to be. Although it's sort of mean, my family gets a laugh out of repeating some of the things she's said. Good stuff, grandmas.

I suck at life

Okay, so I don't actually suck at life. After all, my heart beats and I'm breathing in and out and all that. Basically, I feel like a big ball of confusion; like no part of me is "settled" or not up in the air. I feel discontent. But why should I feel discontent? And furthermore, what am I supposed to do about it? The thing is, there's not anything that's expressly wrong in my life. I don't have anything to be particularly unsettled about: I have amazing and supportive roommates and friends. My family loves me and I love them. I'm semi-financially stable and I have a job that helps me stay that way, working with people who are nice and doing something I'm good at. I have lots of music and movies and books and clothes. And although I'm single, I don't particularly mind being so. It seems I shouldn't be wanting, but I am.
I don't know if I'm being hormonal, or if I've just not gotten enough sleep for too many nights in a row or if I'm caught up in my frustration with myself over my procrastination problems or if there's something actually wrong. I'm thankful for the weekend both because it gives me a reprieve from work and allows me to flesh out some of my thoughts. When I'm always going and/or there's always noise (radio/tv/whathaveyou), I can't think properly.
I went out to coffee with a friend from college last week and we were talking about traveling and somehow the Peace Corps came up and I suddenly felt convicted that it was something I could and should do. I haven't looked into it at all yet, but I know I really, really would like to do something like that. In contemplating the future, lots of life questions come up and it's so clear that I have yet to answer them....like, would I prefer to live in the country or the city? And depending on the answer, there are billions more questions to answer, sort of like one of those diagnostic chart thingys. So I think joining some kind of service organization for a year or two would really help me clear out my head and figure out not what I'm good at, but what I ENJOY doing and truly feel comfortable and happy with.

such a deviant...

So, I didn't go to work yesterday. Oh well...nothing to do with it now...can't go back and change the past. Will be gone on Monday too, but at least now I have a legitimate excuse. Anywho, since my appointment is on Monday, I'm debating about whether to go to my parents' earlier than that and spending some quality time with the fam. I love spending time with my family...on the reverse, there's nothing to do in Plainview and weekends are the opportune time to go out and have fun...and I got paid today, which gives all the more reason to celebrate. I don't know...we'll see if my phone rings this evening. I have a serious date with Rainbow tomorrow morning. I've got food, but it seems like there are all these random things I'm running out of and just have to have asap. Like carrots and sugar and tuna. I'd also like to hunt for some new khakis, but I figure I should probably try and pay all my bills before I go blowing all my money on clothes when I can get by with what wardrobe I have for a while yet.

My office is very quiet today. My boating people are at the Miami Boat Show and my powersports people are at the Indee Dealer Expo and I'm stuck in the-coldest-week-all-winter Minnesota. Sad. Not really...there are worse things in life, but wouldn't it be fun to be in Miami right now?? C'mon...you know it would ;) Maybe next year, eh?

decisions, decisions

So tomorrow I was supposed to have another doctor's appointment. The thing is it's in Rochester and I'm in Minneapolis. This wouldn't be a problem, I don't mind driving down to Roch, but it's supposed to snow...a little here in the Cities and ALOT (6-10 inches) to the south. Driving in the snow freaks me out...maybe even to the point of irrationality. So I was a little apprehensive about driving tomorrow morning, but my mom called me today and even said it would be a good idea to reschedule, so I did: no appointment, no racing down 52 with the snow flakes.

The disappointing thing is that I was so looking forward to not having to work tomorrow, so now I'm trying to figure out a way to still not go in without feeling like too much of a skeez. My appointment was rescheduled for Monday, so it's not like I won't have a day off soon. Oh goodness. I believe I may have just convinced myself I should go to work tomorrow. We'll just have to see...too bad tomorrow's not Friday.

On a side note: I have these tannish pants with vertical stripes of nearly similar colors. They're nice, but I don't think I know how to wear them properly, meaning I think I definitely need different shirts and new shoes to go with them to really do them justice. I could make them look alot dressier than I've made them look today, I tell you. Oh well. We live and we learn.

Some reflections on the way people are for Valentine's Day

Two of my really good friends view relationships quite differently than I do. They’re both really great people: smart, ambitious, funny, easy going and, one could say, All-American.

My friends somehow manage to attract the attentions of the opposite sex readily and with no effort whatsoever. However, they’re always completely perplexed when they discover that their friends of the opposite sex have feelings for them. This, in fact, has happened to both of them on multiple occasions. My friends will think they’re developing this great friendship and all of a sudden (awkward!) they find out it’s not what they thought. They’re totally dumbfounded about why this continually keeps happening to them.

I, being on the flip side, totally know why this is: they’re so freaking nice! In a way, it’s incredibly sad that society has deteriorated to the point where the norm is to only be really nice to people you care about. So, when a guy who is a stranger or is someone I’m not particularly well acquainted with shows kindness, I automatically assume something’s up.

Despite whatever dysfunctions I may have, I still think courtesies are at the roots of my friends’ problem. They take the time to care and to really listen to what others are saying. That seems so rare these days and is one of the reasons I truly treasure them as friends. Then again, maybe I'm delusional.

Hehe...

So, I've decided to start blogging, I think. Although I'll have to confine myself to posting at home and NOT while I'm at work. And I'll try to keep it observational and commentaryily-based and not emotional...so if I'm headed down a tissue-ridden road, please stop me. A few warnings: I'm not particularly funny and my life is not particularly exciting, but I am interested to see what this venue brings. So, happy day...I'll try and think of something clever for tomorrow.