deadly sin-age

Isn’t it funny how, throughout the day, the mind can wander and hit on so many things that are wrong? (Or right, I suppose, depending on the attitude of the day). I’m so frustrated/disappointed with myself it’s ridiculous. I am angry about so many things, many of which are out of control. A lot of times, I end up misdirecting my anger at people who, sure, could maybe act or be differently, but haven’t done anything to provoke my turning on them, whether to their face or behind their back.

The last time I went to confession, the priest said I was angry with God and that I should hash things out with Him sometime, tell him everything that’s been going on in my head; yell, scream if I wanted. I don’t doubt that would probably be theraputic for me, but I’d have to be in the right mood. Leaving the church for a residential area on a dark winter evening wasn’t exactly the atmosphere I’d envisioned.

In the end, it boils down to feeling like I deserve things. I’ve put in time and been patient and played by the rules (mostly). Why can I not get some simple things I want? I don’t really know where this mentality came from unless it can be attributed to capitalist society...is that even capitalist? I’m no economist, but what I’m getting at is that people are used to giving, and getting in return. I’ve given and given and given and I’ve got almost nothing. And when I see others give virtually nothing and get everything, it drives me insane.

On the other hand, what on earth is wrong with me? Not only are there people I know who’s life is far more chaotic and deserve far more than I do, but there are billions of people in the world who have never had the opportunities I’ve had and have, the resources, the caring family and friends. Why is it so hard to be happy with what we have? Why can we never get enough?